And just like that.....

OK. I grew up in the suburbs. I speak "proper" English. I play the Cello. I like poetry. I love art. I wear big glasses and love them...and among other things these added together = It also means that for some reason I'm not considered black enough. I have never quiet understood why one has to "prove" their blackness. I mean my skin color should qualify me enough.  Don't I look black to you? Why do certain interests or looks disqualify you from participating in your own race?  So, because I listen to classical music on my Beats I'm excluded from participating in my race.  That doesn't seem fair to me.  How often do you hear about white people proving their whiteness?  Not too often.  Actually, I've never heard of it.  They get to be eccentric, quirky, different and any other adjective along that line. I'm not ashamed to be different...well not anymore.  I've accepted who I am now.  I just wish that I didn't have to fight...

*whispers* A couple of months ago I started going to therapy. Now, most people would be ashamed to admit that.  Not me.  I have been fighting therapy for over a year now; afraid to face daemons that haunt me regularly.  Ashamed that people would judge me for needing help with issues of my past and present.  Not thinking about what caring such heavy burdens were doing to my person. After a month and a half of sessions I feel so much lighter.  I see the positive changes that are happening in my life due to therapy and I'm no longer ashamed to admit I needed a little extra help.  Years of running from my past was tiring.  Facing it has been tough but so cathartic.

Money!!! Where did all of my money go?? I need to really take a money management course because I can't keep living like this. I do have some responsibilites but this is getting out of hand. I have things that I want to do and purchase that I can't because I have no money. Ever. I need some help!!!! I'm drowning in brokeness!!!! Anybody trying to throw me a life vest!! Cause your girl can't swim!

Today I got my hair straightened!! It's been 1 year and 5 months since I've had my hair straight. Surprisingly, I LOVE IT!!!

So, today I was supposed to have an interview for a management position at Trader Joe's. My Captain (the head honcho) and every other mate I work with is throughly convinced that I would make a great mate. It took months for them to convince me that I would make a great mate and I finally decided to go ahead with the interview. I have been trying to keep it under wraps because I don't want everyone to know but today my Captain made an announcement that I was going on my interview. Not really the attention I wanted but oh well. I get into the interview and the first question they ask me is if I'm ready to be a Captain. And that's when it hit me...NO! I'm not!!! I kind of had a mini panic attack in my mind. I don't want to spend my whole life with Trader Joe's. Maybe this isn't what I want. So, on the drive back I got top thinking...maybe this doesn't mean this will be my life. Why not just use this as a stepping stone. I'm not back in grad sch...

I hate to lose friends but I guess there's a first time for everything. I take such precaution before letting people in that if I really consider you a friend it's basically for LIFE!!! #nolol I just feel really bad because I recently lost a friend in a situation that just seems so pointless to me. I was wrong on some things and I admit that. I just wish things were back the way they used to be. Unfortunately that ship has sailed. I just wish them them the best in all their endeavors because I know they can accomplish great things if they can see what others see in them.

At times I feel that I'm completely unwanted. Like no one wants me or will ever be interested. I'm never quite good enough. And I have been told numerous times that this isn't the case but it's really hard to believe that when time after time things just don't work out in my favor. So, my joke about being a dog lady just may really be in my future.