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A part of me

I have been struggling with the thought of this post for a long time. In my very first post I disclosed that I have tried journaling as a way to organize my thoughts and I wasn't very successful. Because of this I turned to blogging. And if I was going to do this than I need to be able to honestly write about everything. This post will be dedicated to a large part of my life that makes me who I am: a survivor.

Now I know that his statement is quite vague in it's nature. When I say survivor I mean this: when I was 7 or 8 I was raped by an older cousin. So in essence I survived that. It has taken a lot for me to be able to be honest with myself about this situation. This is something that I have tried to keep locked somewhere deep inside of me.

I didn't tell my mom about the situation until I was in junior high school. My mother believed me but she then decided to tell my aunt and we all had to have a "discussion" about what happened. Which at this point in my life I don't fully remember. All I remember is that he denied things at first and then later said that it was my fault, I came on to him. Surprisingly, this last statement is what has stuck with me. When I try to remember what else happened during this meeting this is all I come back to.

So because of this I recently started going to therapy. Which has helped me to a certain extent. I mean I am at a place where I can admit what has happened to me and semi-talk about it. But I'm nowhere near being healed. I think a large part of this is because I find it hard to explain to anyone what it feels like to have your innocence ripped from you forever, to despise the body that you have been given, always feel uncomfortable, think of yourself as damaged or dirty, not fully understand emotions or love, feel disconnected from the world, not want to live, feel completely alone/unwanted, and live in fear. I just can't verbalize these things. There is person inside of me that is fighting to get out but my fear is blocking it. I haven't figured out what it will take to break through this wall.

Even though this obstacle exists I have tried to let this impede me. I have accomplished a lot while dealing with this. But as of right now I know that there is still so much more that I need to face. But no longer can I hide this is a part of who I am...not entirely but a part.
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