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Do I look fat in this....

"Are you scared?"

I was asked this question recently by someone I talked to about my childhood sexual abuse. And I never thought that I was but maybe I am. There might be something to that. So, what does this have to do with me looking fat? OK, I'm getting to that...

Being a survivor and not dealing with the abuse to years later means that there are tons of issues that need to be addressed. Which is always worse than dealing with issues head on. With that being said I have a HUGE Walk-In closet worth of issues to deal with. One of the more obvious ones being my body image. I have never thought that I was pretty...or attractive...or had a nice body nothing! I stated in my previous post (A Part of Me) that I hate my body. While this seems like an exaggeration it's not. I really wish I could another body. I have no idea how to handle being complimented for my looks and especially my body.

When my friend asked me if I was scared it started the "wheels-a-turning." I'm terrified! I have been trying to get into shape for the longest and I will be going strong and then all of sudden I fall off track and I think this is. I'm scared that people when start me give me attention for this and I won't know what to do with it. I barely know what to do with the little attention I get now.

I have been trying to start being more consistent with working out and every time I get started I get discouraged. I never understood why and now i think that I have some idea. I still plan on getting in shape and losing weight but I think that I need to work on how I see myself. There needs to be some preparation towards my body image.

All I ask is that if you have any advice for me that you please lend...and oh yeah forgive if I seem to be down for no reason. This another journey within a journey and it will be a rocky one.
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