If anybody knows me they know that my relationship with my father didn't begin until I was in college. My sisters and I grew up with our father until I was 5 yaers old. So I have always known who my father was. When my mother decided to take a job in Los Angeles I became separated from my father. I'm still not sure why but we didn't speak much. He made the decision that we needed to be with our mother; which was fine but he didn't need to be so MIA.
I am not here to bash my father. It took some time, conversations with my Pastor, and lots of prayers but our relationship is growing. Mostly I realized that my father didn't owe me anything. Yes, he is my father but what did he really owe me? Should he have been there? Yes. Were there better ways to handle situations? Of Course. Does that mean I have to hold a grudge against him? No. It took me a while to get to that point of understanding but I'm here now. Now, I'm able to communicate with him because I was willing to initiate communication he now feels more comfortable.
I'm so thankful to have this opportunity but there are times where I feel guilty. I can feel myself being more comfortable with my father at times than with my mother. I'm a daddy's girl at heart and I'm worried that my mother will get jealous.
I have always had difficulty standing up for myself or voicing my voice as the young folks say. Speaking my mind and expressing my thoughts and ideas terrifies me. I'm not confident in my opinions and often worry that I'm wrong. These thoughts are only heightened by my ever present anxiety. I'm constantly overthinking and concerned that no one wants to hear what I have to say. To me, my thoughts don't matter to anyone other than myself. My voice often shakes and gets quiet when I'm trying to express myself. I am either worried that my opinions will harm/offend or will go unnoticed. There are several moments over the course of my life where I regret not speaking up or saying something that was on my mind. There is a constant internal struggle that happens every time I faced with a moment to express myself. More often than not, I end up silencing myself. Which I can openly admit has done nothing for me. All I ended up with was a nagging regret that I should have sa...
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