2018 has been the gift that just keeps on giving. Seriously, last year was not it. I know those who know me personally are tired of hearing that from me but y'all will have to deal. 2017 whooped on me in all new ways.
I was not properly taking care of myself or fully invested in the work I was doing. Very little felt positive. With that, my one 'new year's resolution' was to work towards making 2018 different. I was going to push myself out my comfort zone (in every way possible), reinvest myself in my studies, and commit to working on ME. It hasn't always been smooth but I am constantly working on recommitting myself. So here's the recap:
For Colored Girls: In February, I performed in a production of 'For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Was Enough' that my talented sister directed. I had the distinct honor of portraying 'lady in green' in the production. It was difficult at several stages and I was unsure of myself. Unsure of my abilities, unsure of being in the spotlight, unsure of my body; anything one could be unsure about I was unsure. On our last night of tech (basically just standing around while they figure out light cues and music cues) I had a break down talking to my sister. I told her that I have been uncomfortable for the last two months and this entire process was draining. Not sure if it was that moment exactly or the two months of rehearsal (upside down smiley face) but on opening night I did it. I made it through the entire play and I remembered all of my lines. It was an invigorating experience and one that I may have to relive since the production was picked up by the University of Michigan and will be released this fall.
Dissertation: Last semester I was STUCK on my dissertation. Nothing was making sense, I had no idea what I wanted to say or what direction I planned to go in. Nothing seemed right and none of my ideas were good enough. I had an in-depth meeting with my chair/mentor/advisor that helped to put everything into perspective. I left with a more comprehensive outline to work from and more confidence in my abilities. I did however decide to push my dissertation proposal back-
New Relationship: I have a girlfriend. Yes, a girlfriend and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HER. She's amazing and I love the person I am with her. She helps me to push myself in ways that I haven't been pushed before. This relationship has been an adjustment for several reasons:
Other relationships: Friendships were a large part of my 2017. I dealt with some major shifts in regards to my relationships with friends. I started off the year with working on rebuilding a friendship that ended abruptly 5 years ago. This friendship meant a lot to me and the ending of it hurt. I had done some work on processing it but I never came to peace with it ending. She reached out to me and we have been working on shaping our new/old friendship. I pretty much ruined one friendship because I wasn't able to properly deal with my anxiety, depression, and exams. I was overwhelmed, anxious, and honestly depressed and was doing not a damn thing to address the latter two. Last summer I was supposed to attend a dear friend's wedding and when I knew that I was unable to attend I didn't say anything to her. I told her I would be there emphatically even thought deep down I was unsure. That all came to a head because I ultimately didn't make it to her ceremony nor to any of the pre-wedding festivities and I hate myself for it. I was friends with the bride and groom and I let both of them down. There is nothing I can do to make up for missing their special day and I'm sick over it. I have apologized but I don't feel that anything is the same anymore and I have to accept where our friendship is now. And then I had a 'best-friend' unload on me; in a way that was painful and confusing. The longevity of our friendship and the closeness of it made the moment in time extremely hurtful (along with all of the other things I was dealing with that year). We are just now in a place where we are truly speaking again and I am still working to figure out the new boundaries I need to set for that friendship. Things were said about my character and my person-hood that I still struggle with. I am working to rebuild this relationship with hopes that it can be as strong as it once was.
That's it for all of the negative stuff. With all of the tumult and turmoil of some friendships others were strengthened and I am forever grateful for them. I focused tremendously on the bad things that happened last year forgetting to acknowledge the positive moments. My bestie flew me down to Miami for a much needed getaway in December and our friendship has continued to grow!! She ain't never getting rid me, y'all. Last year saw the growth of two other friendships with two wonderful women (fave and perz). They were there for me on some of the ugliest of days and held me down without question. I even had breakthroughs with my sisters and Madre. All-in-all, my relationships had some serious moments of growth and I am making efforts in 2018 to foster all of the ones that have been fruitful for me. I'm trying to be all about reciprocal relationships! Pouring water on those who have nourished me in similar ways.
I was broken and tired and sad.
I was not properly taking care of myself or fully invested in the work I was doing. Very little felt positive. With that, my one 'new year's resolution' was to work towards making 2018 different. I was going to push myself out my comfort zone (in every way possible), reinvest myself in my studies, and commit to working on ME. It hasn't always been smooth but I am constantly working on recommitting myself. So here's the recap:
For Colored Girls: In February, I performed in a production of 'For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Was Enough' that my talented sister directed. I had the distinct honor of portraying 'lady in green' in the production. It was difficult at several stages and I was unsure of myself. Unsure of my abilities, unsure of being in the spotlight, unsure of my body; anything one could be unsure about I was unsure. On our last night of tech (basically just standing around while they figure out light cues and music cues) I had a break down talking to my sister. I told her that I have been uncomfortable for the last two months and this entire process was draining. Not sure if it was that moment exactly or the two months of rehearsal (upside down smiley face) but on opening night I did it. I made it through the entire play and I remembered all of my lines. It was an invigorating experience and one that I may have to relive since the production was picked up by the University of Michigan and will be released this fall.
Dissertation: Last semester I was STUCK on my dissertation. Nothing was making sense, I had no idea what I wanted to say or what direction I planned to go in. Nothing seemed right and none of my ideas were good enough. I had an in-depth meeting with my chair/mentor/advisor that helped to put everything into perspective. I left with a more comprehensive outline to work from and more confidence in my abilities. I did however decide to push my dissertation proposal back-
sidebar: a dissertation proposal is a formal presentation I am required to give by the School of Kinesiology of the first three chapters of my dissertation.-
to the upcoming fall semester. Initially, this decision felt like a failure. I told myself that I somehow messed up by not being able to stick to this original plan. It took some time but I was able to realize that this push back was in no way negative. This has given me more time to actually formulate my thoughts and feel more confident in my work. I also have a new date for my proposal- September 28, 2018
New Relationship: I have a girlfriend. Yes, a girlfriend and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HER. She's amazing and I love the person I am with her. She helps me to push myself in ways that I haven't been pushed before. This relationship has been an adjustment for several reasons:
First. This is my first relationship with a woman.
Second. It's an extremely healthy one.
Third. It's uncomfortable. Not in the negative sense but in the 'there has been so much growth and room for so much more' type of discomfort.
These past 6 months have been a beautiful surprise and I'm excited to see what the future holds. It has taken me until now to allow myself to be happy in a new relationship. I felt guilty for a long time after my breakup with my ex because I was in a new relationship happy. I kept feeling like I needed to take more before getting into a new partnership to spare his feelings. His healing his not my job and that is a difficult thing to realize. I too deserve happiness and if it wasn't with him anymore is not a resignation of him or in any way telling of who I am.
I'm also working out what this new relationship means for me identity wise and where I belong in the community. I haven't felt comfortable using any one label to describe my preferences. I have toyed with Bisexual (because I still have an attraction to men), Queer, and Gay. None of them seem to fully encompass who I am and what I stand for. All I know is:
I'm happy and in love!!!!!!
Other relationships: Friendships were a large part of my 2017. I dealt with some major shifts in regards to my relationships with friends. I started off the year with working on rebuilding a friendship that ended abruptly 5 years ago. This friendship meant a lot to me and the ending of it hurt. I had done some work on processing it but I never came to peace with it ending. She reached out to me and we have been working on shaping our new/old friendship. I pretty much ruined one friendship because I wasn't able to properly deal with my anxiety, depression, and exams. I was overwhelmed, anxious, and honestly depressed and was doing not a damn thing to address the latter two. Last summer I was supposed to attend a dear friend's wedding and when I knew that I was unable to attend I didn't say anything to her. I told her I would be there emphatically even thought deep down I was unsure. That all came to a head because I ultimately didn't make it to her ceremony nor to any of the pre-wedding festivities and I hate myself for it. I was friends with the bride and groom and I let both of them down. There is nothing I can do to make up for missing their special day and I'm sick over it. I have apologized but I don't feel that anything is the same anymore and I have to accept where our friendship is now. And then I had a 'best-friend' unload on me; in a way that was painful and confusing. The longevity of our friendship and the closeness of it made the moment in time extremely hurtful (along with all of the other things I was dealing with that year). We are just now in a place where we are truly speaking again and I am still working to figure out the new boundaries I need to set for that friendship. Things were said about my character and my person-hood that I still struggle with. I am working to rebuild this relationship with hopes that it can be as strong as it once was.
That's it for all of the negative stuff. With all of the tumult and turmoil of some friendships others were strengthened and I am forever grateful for them. I focused tremendously on the bad things that happened last year forgetting to acknowledge the positive moments. My bestie flew me down to Miami for a much needed getaway in December and our friendship has continued to grow!! She ain't never getting rid me, y'all. Last year saw the growth of two other friendships with two wonderful women (fave and perz). They were there for me on some of the ugliest of days and held me down without question. I even had breakthroughs with my sisters and Madre. All-in-all, my relationships had some serious moments of growth and I am making efforts in 2018 to foster all of the ones that have been fruitful for me. I'm trying to be all about reciprocal relationships! Pouring water on those who have nourished me in similar ways.
Here's to continued growth!
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