You're A Non-Mother F*cking Factor!

For those who don't get the reference in the title, let me introduce to you Evelyn Lozada! 

I know 'reality television' is the farthest thing from reality but this is by far one of my favorite 'reality' TV moments. It summed up her thoughts and feelings so concisely . It was a perpetual mood that I aspired to for a long time. I know the next question any logical person would pose is, why? Why would this be a perpetual mood I wanted to attain? For years I have lived in my head, afraid of my own voice and sharing my thoughts and opinions. I envied those that could "pop off" and voice their voice. I wanted to be able to say what I needed to say, how I wanted to say it, and without remorse. As I've continued to grow, I have learned that this attitude is not what communication is about. Being able to dismiss everyone around you and say everything the way you want to say it is not effective. 

"Cussing everyone out is not self care" 

The end of my last long term relationship and issues with friends has caused me to reevaluate what constitutes effective communication. Popping off just isn't it. While I secretly still LOVE this Evelyn Lozada moment I understand that this is not the best way to express my frustrations with others. Being on the receiving end of said pop off and in a healthy relationship (shout out to bae) has helped me to understand that communication requires reciprocity. 

Let's discuss...

I think it's human nature to examine a breakup and put the reason in ended on the other person. It can be difficult to take some of the blame and acknowledge your actions in the situation. I strive to not do that, I'm not always perfect but I do actively try to not fall into that trap. My last relationship ended for several factors that I don't think are necessary to share but there was not one sole factor that I can point to. I was unhappy, not because I wasn't being treated with respect, but because I just was. I was starting to feel that I was morphing into a person I did not want to be. I'm not sure I had the words in that moment to explain those feelings but hindsight is always 20/20. A large part of what was happening for me was my inability to effectively communicate what I needed or wanted. My inability to speak my truth at times meant that my ex-partner was constantly having to guess or assume what was happening for me and that wasn't fair to either party (this revelation cam from therapy-she be reading my whole life at times).  

I have been on the receiving end of some pretty hurtful words. Words that caused me to question my worth, my actions, and thoughts.  They have shaken me to my core, because in hindsight I realize that my already broken state contributed to the gravity of emotions I was feeling.  

For me effective communication requires taking time to process what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that before confronting the other party involved.  That way, I have had time to interrogate where my feelings are stemming from. Am I [insert emotion here] because of something the other party did or because of something personal happening for me that is causing these emotions to be heightened; in an attempt to prevent me from projecting my feelings onto others. Additionally, this process forces me to sit with my feelings. Which I'm notorious for running away from. 

I don't think I'll  ever be Evelyn Lozada, I'm not sure I have that in me. I will however get to a point where I can assertively express what I will/won't accept from others.