I have always had difficulty standing up for myself or voicing my voice as the young folks say. Speaking my mind and expressing my thoughts and ideas terrifies me. I'm not confident in my opinions and often worry that I'm wrong. These thoughts are only heightened by my ever present anxiety. I'm constantly overthinking and concerned that no one wants to hear what I have to say. To me, my thoughts don't matter to anyone other than myself.
My voice often shakes and gets quiet when I'm trying to express myself. I am either worried that my opinions will harm/offend or will go unnoticed. There are several moments over the course of my life where I regret not speaking up or saying something that was on my mind. There is a constant internal struggle that happens every time I faced with a moment to express myself. More often than not, I end up silencing myself. Which I can openly admit has done nothing for me. All I ended up with was a nagging regret that I should have said something in that moment.
Recently in therapy I began making strides to un-learn silencing myself. During these past 3 years I have forced myself into silence in more ways than one. This truly came to a head with a recent conflict I had with a former best friend (that friendship is currently under repair) but during the entire ordeal I held back in several ways; although I felt disrespected I didn't think that I deserved to return the same energy. The most significant part of that statement being: that I didn't think I was allowed to respond in a similar way. That if I said all of the thoughts in my head the they were that I would look like a bad person. I am still shocked by the revelation that I feel that I need to be granted permission or allowance to express how I feel.
In several ways my therapist helped me to see how that was inauthentic. How I wasn't being honest with myself and in turn the 'friend' I was having the conflict with. I was hiding true thoughts and feelings. Whether they were fleeting or lingering I wasn't allowing myself the space to feel them and be who I was in the moment. A major reason for this is because I didn't feel that I deserved to. I didn't feel that I was in the right, that maybe I actually did something that warranted the reaction I received. This applies to every relationship that I have, somewhere along the way I learned that if I present or express myself as anything or anyone other than "Happy Elena" people won't like that version of me. They won't want to hear what I have to say or want to be around me. Most of that is more than likely in my head, I make a lot of things up in there. It has taught me that in order to be liked I have to be "nice". Constantly smiling, likable, agreeable, peaceful, and thoughtful.
That thought sticks with me. I'm constantly reminded how the work I am doing with my dissertation will disrupt all of that niceness. In the simplest of terms my research is disruptive. It disrupts and pushes against boundaries within sports leadership research. It leaves me open for harsh critique and disagreement and if I'm honest with myself, that critique and disagreement is what scares me. I know my research is important and necessary and it's important to remind myself that I'm capable of doing it and that my opinions on the matter are necessary.
My voice often shakes and gets quiet when I'm trying to express myself. I am either worried that my opinions will harm/offend or will go unnoticed. There are several moments over the course of my life where I regret not speaking up or saying something that was on my mind. There is a constant internal struggle that happens every time I faced with a moment to express myself. More often than not, I end up silencing myself. Which I can openly admit has done nothing for me. All I ended up with was a nagging regret that I should have said something in that moment.
Recently in therapy I began making strides to un-learn silencing myself. During these past 3 years I have forced myself into silence in more ways than one. This truly came to a head with a recent conflict I had with a former best friend (that friendship is currently under repair) but during the entire ordeal I held back in several ways; although I felt disrespected I didn't think that I deserved to return the same energy. The most significant part of that statement being: that I didn't think I was allowed to respond in a similar way. That if I said all of the thoughts in my head the they were that I would look like a bad person. I am still shocked by the revelation that I feel that I need to be granted permission or allowance to express how I feel.
In several ways my therapist helped me to see how that was inauthentic. How I wasn't being honest with myself and in turn the 'friend' I was having the conflict with. I was hiding true thoughts and feelings. Whether they were fleeting or lingering I wasn't allowing myself the space to feel them and be who I was in the moment. A major reason for this is because I didn't feel that I deserved to. I didn't feel that I was in the right, that maybe I actually did something that warranted the reaction I received. This applies to every relationship that I have, somewhere along the way I learned that if I present or express myself as anything or anyone other than "Happy Elena" people won't like that version of me. They won't want to hear what I have to say or want to be around me. Most of that is more than likely in my head, I make a lot of things up in there. It has taught me that in order to be liked I have to be "nice". Constantly smiling, likable, agreeable, peaceful, and thoughtful.
That thought sticks with me. I'm constantly reminded how the work I am doing with my dissertation will disrupt all of that niceness. In the simplest of terms my research is disruptive. It disrupts and pushes against boundaries within sports leadership research. It leaves me open for harsh critique and disagreement and if I'm honest with myself, that critique and disagreement is what scares me. I know my research is important and necessary and it's important to remind myself that I'm capable of doing it and that my opinions on the matter are necessary.
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