And just like that.....

I have always had difficulty standing up for myself or voicing my voice as the young folks say. Speaking my mind and expressing my thoughts and ideas terrifies me. I'm not confident in my opinions and often worry that I'm wrong. These thoughts are only heightened by my ever present anxiety. I'm constantly overthinking and concerned that no one wants to hear what I have to say. To me, my thoughts don't matter to anyone other than myself. My voice often shakes and gets quiet when I'm trying to express myself. I am either worried that my opinions will harm/offend or will go unnoticed. There are several moments over the course of my life where I regret not speaking up or saying something that was on my mind. There is a constant internal struggle that happens every time I faced with a moment to express myself. More often than not, I end up silencing myself. Which I can openly admit has done nothing for me.  All I ended up with was a nagging regret that I should have sa...

For those who don't get the reference in the title, let me introduce to you Evelyn Lozada!  I know 'reality television' is the farthest thing from reality but this is by far one of my favorite 'reality' TV moments. It summed up her thoughts and feelings so concisely . It was a perpetual mood that I aspired to for a long time. I know the next question any logical person would pose is, why? Why would this be a perpetual mood I wanted to attain? For years I have lived in my head, afraid of my own voice and sharing my thoughts and opinions. I envied those that could "pop off" and voice their voice. I wanted to be able to say what I needed to say, how I wanted to say it, and without remorse. As I've continued to grow, I have learned that this attitude is not what communication is about. Being able to dismiss everyone around you and say everything the way you want to say it is not effective.  "Cussing everyone out is not self care...

2018 has been the gift that just keeps on giving. Seriously, last year was not it. I know those who know me personally are tired of hearing that from me but y'all will have to deal. 2017 whooped on me in all new ways. I was broken and tired and sad.  I was not properly taking care of myself or fully invested in the work I was doing. Very little felt positive. With that, my one 'new year's resolution' was to work towards making 2018 different. I was going to push myself out my comfort zone (in every way possible), reinvest myself in my studies, and commit to working on ME. It hasn't always been smooth but I am constantly working on recommitting myself. So here's the recap: For Colored Girls : In February, I performed in a production of 'For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Was Enough' that my talented sister directed. I had the distinct honor of portraying 'lady in green' in the production. It was difficult at seve...

Remember when I said that I was going to be more diligent about posting and keeping everyone updated on what was happening? Yeah, I don't remember that either. As of September 5, 2017, I am officially a PhD Candidate. That means that I sufficiently convinced my three person committee (all women might I add) that I know what I'm talking about and am somehow capable of writing a dissertation. This a HUGE deal. Anyone who has gone through, started or completed any amount of work towards a doctorate knows just how stressful this portion of the program is. There are actually no words that will sufficiently explain how large this achievement is. *As you can tell, this post is LATE. And I do mean late. I've been a candidate for months now. Forgive me.* 

The moment you've all been waiting for, or maybe not, either way it's here!! As of today at 7:44 am my Qualifying Exams are underway!! That's right, for the next 2 months I will be on locked down writing at least 60 pages in response to 3 questions. Send me snacks, love, luck, motivation, and things to do for fun times (because baby girl will need a break)! Hopefully my depression and anxiety are willing to work with me. With that I am off to get started on Question #1! #RoadToCandidacy

In my recent blogs I have been more open about my current dealings with depression.  Often, anxiety tags along with its good friend depression.  So, while you're battling to get out of bed or clean your apartment, anxiety jumps in to remind you that your friends are probably secretly hanging out without you and you're definitely on the verge of failing out of everything (whether you're enrolled in school or not).  This is not how everyone experiences anxiety, it manifests in different ways for everyone, but I will say that irrational thoughts and feelings are a common thread for most people.  I explained one of the ways my anxiety manifests via Twitter a couple of weeks ago For those unfamiliar with The Twitter: Start on the left and read from the bottom up That is a pretty low level experience for me.  It took me years to figure out what I needed to do in order to address my fears that were affecting my ability to sleep at night.  It's hard t...

The semester is officially over!! And while it was not an easy one, I actually did pretty well. Not as well as I had planned but given everything going on, I came out on top and that's what matters. While most people are chillin' out max and relaxin' all cool (if you don't know what this is from, you're too young to be here), I am over here preparing myself for...wait for it... qualifying exams . These past two years I have been a doctoral student. Taking classes to gain further knowledge and skills necessary to be a docta (just to clarify this is the PhD type not the MD type)! So, now that I have completed the required courses I need, minus a couple I need to complete to get a women's studies certificate, I am tasked with finishing and passing my exams.  These exams determine my eligibility to move into candidacy, the dissertation process. So, no pressure. Not really, this is me... This process has been a daunting one.  My de...