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And you're sure it's not my fault?



When I was around 9 or 10 my mother told me that her and my father were getting divorced. I WAS DEVASTATED! i couldn't understand what I had done wrong to cause this to happen. My mother made sure to explain to me that it was nothing I had done but she and my father just weren't working out anymore. I just didn't understand. Once the initial shock of the news wore off what hurt even more was the fact that my dad became absent from my life. He didn't call, write, nothing. It felt to me that he just completely forgot he even had children. I hated him for that. I couldn't understand why he would want to hurt me like that. For the majority of my life was father was never present. He missed major moments in my life and hurt me until no end. I thought that I would never forgive him. He has never heard me play my cello, he didn't see my graduate from Jr. high school (I went to a predominately white Jr. High that's how they do things), he miss my high school graduation and so on.

The turning point came when I began college. As you know I went to the University of Michigan and my father resides in Detroit. We were able to see each other on a more regular basis. Most people just assumed that my father and I have had this amazing relationship from the beginning. Not true. I had to put in a lot of work to be comfortable with him. The biggest thing for me was talking to my Pastor. he asked me this, "What does your father owe you?" I immediately became defensive and thought that I was owed something. But when I sat back and thought about it he really didn't owe me anything. My dad has had a rough life and I never thought about that. I never had a conversation with him about why he wasn't around or never tried to be. After talking to my Pastor I decided that I needed to do that and so we talked. I learned a lot about my father and we discussed everything that was on my heart. I'm so glad that I was able to do that. Because of this my father has made an effort to be a part of my life. He came down for sister's high school graduation, say my youngest sister perform in a play, was present when I graduates from college and so on. I have always wanted my father to be a part of my life because deep down inside I feel that I'm a daddy's girl.

I actually feel guilty about that last statement. I mean my mother has been there for me through everything. I wouldn't have made it to where I am today if it weren't for her unconditional love and dedication to me. But I always longed for my father and I feel like at times she's jealous of the blossoming relationship I am developing with my father. I'm just blessed that I have this opportunity that I know millions of young girls/women long for.
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