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The letter


October 15, 2012
Dear Little Derek:
            I have thought many long years about what you’ve done to me.  And I can honestly say that I hate no one like I hate you.  The fact that you thought it was OK for you steal my innocence away from me is disgusting.   And then when confronted about the situation you had the nerve to blame me.  How dare you?  I was only eight!  You made me think that everything was entirely my fault.  And for about 15 years I have been walking around blaming myself for the pain you caused.  I want you to know that there is a special place in hell for you for that.  There might be one day when I can say I have forgiven you for all the pain you caused but today is not that day!!  I hope that your life has been miserable.  I sometimes wonder if you struggle looking into the mirror like I do.  I hate to look at myself because all I see is that little girl that I will never get back. The person I could have been is gone forever! Because of you. Because of something you decided to do. How can you live with yourself? What gave you the right to take advantage of me like that?  You’re a terrible person and I will never think of you any differently.  You deserve to suffer for everything you’ve done to me.  You don’t deserve happiness.  You don’t deserve love.  Honestly Fuck You!!  That’s honestly the nicest way I can phrase it.  Did you ever stop and think about what effects your actions would have on me?  Did it ever occur to you that what you were doing was wrong?  There are so many nights where I stayed up thinking about what it was I’ve done to deserve this.  How did I come on to you?  What did I do to make you think that I wanted any of this?  I still can’t think of a single thing.  Which leads me to believe that it wasn’t my fault.  That something was wrong with you to believe that an eight-year-old child was ‘coming on’ to you.  Just what was going through your mind?  Was this something that happened to you and were just repeating or were you really setting out to hurt me?  And to think I bore this burden for so many years.  To help protect you because I didn’t want you getting into trouble.  What was I thinking?  You didn’t deserve my loyalty.  You didn’t deserve my trust.  I gave you that and you did nothing but take advantage of me.  Because of you I doubt myself.  I hate myself.  I have no idea what it means to love yourself and the body you’ve been given.  You have taken so much of my childhood away from me.  All because you were selfish and stole something so precious from me.  I wish I could make you feel the pain I have experienced for nearly twenty years.  To walk around in fear of every person you ever meet.  Scared that they might hurt you too.  Afraid that they might discover what happened to you and judge you because of it.  Feel like your worthless and dirty and doubt that anybody would ever love you because of it.  Not understand what intimacy is and how you’re supposed to feel.  To look at yourself in the mirror or pictures with pure disgust for the person you see looking back at you.  To feel that no one will never love you.  And the worst part is that I feel I have no one to talk to about this.  I’m scared to open up about what has happened to me.  I’m terrified that everyone I meet will blame me just like you blamed me.  I have walked around cloaked in a veil of shame; beating myself up for something I now know I had no control over.  You took control of me.  You’re the sick one.  Something was wrong with you.  Not me.  You’re the one to blame for all of this.  The only thing I ever did wrong was to blame myself!  Do you hear that??  That’s only thing I’ve done wrong.  I didn’t ‘come on’ to you.  I didn’t make myself available to you.  You took something from me.  I hope I never see you again.  And just know that one day I will eventually forgive you for the pain you’ve cause but not for your sake.  For mine.  Because I need to be lifted of this burden.  I need the room to start loving myself and to love others.  I can’t let you win.  I refuse to let you keep taking from me.  
Hoping you burn in hell.
Signed,
Elena

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