In my recent blogs I have been more open about my current dealings with depression. Often, anxiety tags along with its good friend depression. So, while you're battling to get out of bed or clean your apartment, anxiety jumps in to remind you that your friends are probably secretly hanging out without you and you're definitely on the verge of failing out of everything (whether you're enrolled in school or not). This is not how everyone experiences anxiety, it manifests in different ways for everyone, but I will say that irrational thoughts and feelings are a common thread for most people. I explained one of the ways my anxiety manifests via Twitter a couple of weeks ago
| For those unfamiliar with The Twitter: Start on the left and read from the bottom up |
That is a pretty low level experience for me. It took me years to figure out what I needed to do in order to address my fears that were affecting my ability to sleep at night. It's hard to believe that those are low level fears for me but I have that irrational thought under more control. Granted, there are nights when even my phone being off stresses me out still and then I'm just lying in bed convincing myself not to look at my phone in the middle of the night.
What has been more difficult to manage have been the more unrelenting and new fears. With this heavy onset of depression occurring over the recent year my anxiety has taken new forms. There are times when I'm home, let's say watching TV, and it has also a day where I haven't been texting people throughout the day. Which is often times the perfect recipe for spiraling thoughts. So, I'm home alone, not having heard from too many people and now I'm thinking that all of my friends are having a get together without me, talking about how they don't like me, and how I'm a horrible person. Mind you, I have a great group of friends (honestly, THE BEST, and you could try to fight me on it but there's nothing to fight about). This is honestly not a scenario that would happen with them. Yet and still, the thoughts are there. It even effects me when I'm around them.
My friends like me, are ambitious. They are starting businesses, in graduate school, doctoral programs, full time jobs, alldat. With all of that going on it makes it difficult at times for us to all get together. When we do finally have time to all get together I feel out of place, as if I don't belong or they don't want me there. Nothing in their actions suggest that but that's just how I feel and I can't shake the feeling. Even writing this, I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that they will read this and all the things I've said will come true.
Currently, one of the worst irrational fears I have right now pertains to one of my dear friends. The two of us have been friends for over a decade and she is honestly one of the best people I know on this planet. THE BEST. This is not up for debate, she is an amazing person and friend and our friendship has endured moments that may have ended others. Almost daily she reinforces for me that our friendship is one that will last throughout the years and yet still, I am overly paranoid that one day our friendship will end. That I am just one step away from doing and/or saying something that will make her say, "That's it. I've had enough." It makes me question my actions around her and things I say to her. I try to remind myself that I am just a good of friend to her as she has been to me but I can't shake the feeling.
No matter what I do I can't shake these feelings and I worry constantly that they will ruin my friendships. I'm just trying to maintain.
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