Skip to main content

A part of me

I have been struggling with the thought of this post for a long time. In my very first post I disclosed that I have tried journaling as a way to organize my thoughts and I wasn't very successful. Because of this I turned to blogging. And if I was going to do this than I need to be able to honestly write about everything. This post will be dedicated to a large part of my life that makes me who I am: a survivor.

Now I know that his statement is quite vague in it's nature. When I say survivor I mean this: when I was 7 or 8 I was raped by an older cousin. So in essence I survived that. It has taken a lot for me to be able to be honest with myself about this situation. This is something that I have tried to keep locked somewhere deep inside of me.

I didn't tell my mom about the situation until I was in junior high school. My mother believed me but she then decided to tell my aunt and we all had to have a "discussion" about what happened. Which at this point in my life I don't fully remember. All I remember is that he denied things at first and then later said that it was my fault, I came on to him. Surprisingly, this last statement is what has stuck with me. When I try to remember what else happened during this meeting this is all I come back to.

So because of this I recently started going to therapy. Which has helped me to a certain extent. I mean I am at a place where I can admit what has happened to me and semi-talk about it. But I'm nowhere near being healed. I think a large part of this is because I find it hard to explain to anyone what it feels like to have your innocence ripped from you forever, to despise the body that you have been given, always feel uncomfortable, think of yourself as damaged or dirty, not fully understand emotions or love, feel disconnected from the world, not want to live, feel completely alone/unwanted, and live in fear. I just can't verbalize these things. There is person inside of me that is fighting to get out but my fear is blocking it. I haven't figured out what it will take to break through this wall.

Even though this obstacle exists I have tried to let this impede me. I have accomplished a lot while dealing with this. But as of right now I know that there is still so much more that I need to face. But no longer can I hide this is a part of who I am...not entirely but a part.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Guess who's back?!

Remember when I said that this blog was going to be a space where I discussed and highlighted my PhD journey? Now, remember when that didn't happen? Getting a doctorate is HARD, y'all. And, you may being saying, "duh, girl! We know!" but this journey was one of the most difficult journeys I have ever been on and because of that fact, I didn't have or make the time to update this blog. It simply wasn't a priority and I was trying to stay afloat for the past four years. So, let's recap a few things. I proposed my dissertation on October 5, 2019, started collecting data in January, defended my dissertation on April 19, 2019, and graduated on May 2, 2019!! So, now that all of the milestones have been mentioned, and I have more time to dedicate to other types of writing, I'm going to highlight my journey retrospectively. Sit back and get ready to hear all of the academic tea!
Post a Comment
Read more

Ode to Ann Arbor

In about 4 days I will be saying farewell to Ann Arbor. And like I said before I'm excited to be going home but there is also a saddens that surrounds my move. I have done a lot of growing, changing, experiencing, and evolving here! So to have to say farewell to all of that is going to be difficult. I will miss: 1. Second Baptist!! I learned a lot about myself at this church. I am glad to call this my church home because without them I would probably be a hot mess! The one thing I can say faithfully is that my journey with them is not over! There are still things that need to be done here I will be back! 2. My friends!! I have met so many different people here. Some that will never leave, some that kept me entertained during class and others that I have drifted away from. But they all had a part in Michigan experience. 3. Gamma Delta! I have been through a lot with these young women and couldn't have asked to be part of a better, more productive, or more illustrious chapter!! T...
2 comments
Read more

Elena I Choose You...well not just you, also somebody else, but mostly you.

When I started my PhD journey, I was under the impression that I was some Golden Child chosen by my advisor to be her one true protege. That she had waited years upon years for me, and that once we communicated in was written in stone that I would be her student. That her and I were going to be handing out proverbial academic cuss outs to the sport management world about how they were systematically leaving Black women out. That's not exactly what happened, during the week of orientation, I found out that my advisor had brought on another student. I...was hurt. I felt like I wasn't enough. I...felt inadequate.  Inadequate : in·ad·e·quate /inˈadikwət/ adj : not adequate : insufficient : lacking the quality or quantity required; insufficient for a purpose. That feeling of inadequacy, those thoughts, they stayed with me throughout the entire program; exacerbating feelings of inadequacy that were already there.  Why was I not enough?  Why did she need someone e...
Post a Comment
Read more