And just like that.....

I have bouts of self doubt. At times it can be really bad. I've been working on re-learning to love myself. Well to love myself in general. I can't actually remember a time where I did. Which is actually hard to admit. Like, there are honestly times when I genuinely don't like myself. And I don't mean as I person. I think I'm an amazing human being with a great personality. I'm funny, intelligent, compassionate, and understanding. But when it comes to looks...it's a completely different story.  I can look at a picture of myself and think to myself that I just took a good picture not that I'm just beautiful. People look at me all the time and tell me that I'm gorgeous, beautiful, sexy or whatever other adjective that women strive to be called. I look in the mirror and see none of that. Because of this belief I am convinced that nobody will find me attractive and want to be with me. Sound crazy? Yeah. I know.  I can't help the way I fee...

Not quite sure. I made my big move. Currently residing in MI. Just registered for my first semester of graduate classes. About to put in work for a real grown up people job. Been doing hella thinking. Making cuts. A little confused. Stressed. Blah.

Dr. Seuss was a genius. Get. Into. It.  “I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living." “Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”  “A person's a person, no matter how small.”  “Being crazy isn't enough.” “I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!” “Why fit in when you were born to stand out?”  “If things start happening, don't worry, don't stew, just go right along and you'll start happening too.” “You’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut.” “I'm afraid that sometimes you'll play lonely games too. Games you can't win 'cause you'll play against you.”  “I know, up on top you are seeing great sights, but down here at the bottom we, too, should have r...

Due to the fuckedupness that is my past I am very protective of my personal space.  Like, very protective.  I don't care for being touched or having people too close to me.  Just not a fan.  So, it bothers me when people feel that they have the rights to just put their hands on me. I understand you want my attention or my smile makes me seem welcoming but I don't know you, nor am I sure if I like you and most importantly I do not want you touching me!!  So...just keep ya hands to yaself.  No, but really.  Just speak up.  I have to really be sure I want you touching me.  I know that sounds rude and bitchey but trust me it's not about you.  Well, maybe a little but mostly about me.  I'm just now becoming aware that I have say over what happens to my body.  I am the only person who can touch me whenever I want.  Just because you see me and I look good or whatever the case may be doesn't mean that you can just grab on me. ...

Every once and a while I go through a woe is me phase. It's hit me yet again. Don't get me wrong I'm still riding my wave of excitement about getting into grad school and moving! Things are still very surreal for me. I'm so ready to get this new phase in my life started. I just really wish I had someone to share this with... I've been longing for a partner for quite some time.  I'm very understanding to the fact that I needed to work on me first. Which I'm thankful for. I needed that me time. I spend a lot of time making sure that everyone around me is doing well that I forgot about me.  These past 6 moths have been cathartic and healing.  I needed every second it. I'm just at a place where I'm longing for companionship.  I joke about being a cat lady but I don't really want that...at all.

October 15, 2012 Dear Little Derek:             I have thought many long years about what you’ve done to me.  And I can honestly say that I hate no one like I hate you.  The fact that you thought it was OK for you steal my innocence away from me is disgusting.   And then when confronted about the situation you had the nerve to blame me.  How dare you?  I was only eight!  You made me think that everything was entirely my fault.  And for about 15 years I have been walking around blaming myself for the pain you caused.  I want you to know that there is a special place in hell for you for that.  There might be one day when I can say I have forgiven you for all the pain you caused but today is not that day!!  I hope that your life has been miserable.  I sometimes wonder if you struggle looking into the mirror like I do.  I hate to look at myself because all I see is t...

While I was in therapy I dealt a lot with my abuse but another major component were my 'daddy issues.'  When I was very young my parents divorced and during my very delicate formative issues my father wasn't present.  It wasn't until I entered college that my father and I forged any type of bond.  I know that a small reason in this was my close proximity to him being at U of M.  A larger reason was because I decided that I needed to forgive my father's absence.  I had a very heartfelt conversation with my pastor at the time about how in actuality my father didn't really owe me anything and how he wasn't given a strong model of what a father should be.  I could spend the rest of my days angry with him or work towards building a relationship.  I in turn chose the latter.  I wasn't going to wake with my father no longer present wishing I had take advantage.  I owe myself the opportunity of knowing my father and allowing him to love me.  T...

I'M WONDERFUL!!!!! Therapy was fantastic and while I'm not completely 'fixed' I'm in a wonderfully awesome place right now! AND: I WAS ACCEPTED INTO MY GRADUATE STUDIES PROGRAM!!! This fall I will be attending Wayne State University and working towards a masters in Sports Administration! I'm super stoked for life and all the new experiences it has in store!!!

OK. I grew up in the suburbs. I speak "proper" English. I play the Cello. I like poetry. I love art. I wear big glasses and love them...and among other things these added together = It also means that for some reason I'm not considered black enough. I have never quiet understood why one has to "prove" their blackness. I mean my skin color should qualify me enough.  Don't I look black to you? Why do certain interests or looks disqualify you from participating in your own race?  So, because I listen to classical music on my Beats I'm excluded from participating in my race.  That doesn't seem fair to me.  How often do you hear about white people proving their whiteness?  Not too often.  Actually, I've never heard of it.  They get to be eccentric, quirky, different and any other adjective along that line. I'm not ashamed to be different...well not anymore.  I've accepted who I am now.  I just wish that I didn't have to fight...