When I started my PhD journey, I was under the impression that I was some Golden Child chosen by my advisor to be her one true protege. That she had waited years upon years for me, and that once we communicated in was written in stone that I would be her student. That her and I were going to be handing out proverbial academic cuss outs to the sport management world about how they were systematically leaving Black women out.
That's not exactly what happened, during the week of orientation, I found out that my advisor had brought on another student. I...was hurt. I felt like I wasn't enough.
I...felt inadequate.
Inadequate: in·ad·e·quate /inˈadikwət/ adj : not adequate : insufficient : lacking the quality or quantity required; insufficient for a purpose.
That feeling of inadequacy, those thoughts, they stayed with me throughout the entire program; exacerbating feelings of inadequacy that were already there. Why was I not enough? Why did she need someone else?
Logically, I know that it had nothing to do with me not being enough. My advisor's other student and I had (and still have) completely different research interests. There was never any competition between the two of us regarding research but I never felt that I was enough. I never felt like I had my advisor's full attention. She was never fully available for me. This was not entirely because she took on another student, she had other administrative responsibilities as well. All of those administrative responsibilities on top of having two doctoral students, I believe, was too much for her. And instead of working with us to determine better scheduling or what our needs were, she simply tried to push through. In the end, I suffered because of that and I was not in a place where I knew what was happening for me.
Had it only been me, it is possible that she may have had more time for me, more time to help develop me into a more well rounded scholar, more time to get to know me. I feel as though I was never given the chance to get close to her because there was always someone else in the way. Let me be clear, this wasn't entirely my advisor's fault. A lot of the feelings I had were my own and because of these thoughts I acted accordingly. I'm not sure that if it was just me as I had envisioned, if anything would be any different, but I always wished I had the chance to find out.
That's not exactly what happened, during the week of orientation, I found out that my advisor had brought on another student. I...was hurt. I felt like I wasn't enough.
I...felt inadequate.
Inadequate: in·ad·e·quate /inˈadikwət/ adj : not adequate : insufficient : lacking the quality or quantity required; insufficient for a purpose.
That feeling of inadequacy, those thoughts, they stayed with me throughout the entire program; exacerbating feelings of inadequacy that were already there. Why was I not enough? Why did she need someone else?
Logically, I know that it had nothing to do with me not being enough. My advisor's other student and I had (and still have) completely different research interests. There was never any competition between the two of us regarding research but I never felt that I was enough. I never felt like I had my advisor's full attention. She was never fully available for me. This was not entirely because she took on another student, she had other administrative responsibilities as well. All of those administrative responsibilities on top of having two doctoral students, I believe, was too much for her. And instead of working with us to determine better scheduling or what our needs were, she simply tried to push through. In the end, I suffered because of that and I was not in a place where I knew what was happening for me.
Had it only been me, it is possible that she may have had more time for me, more time to help develop me into a more well rounded scholar, more time to get to know me. I feel as though I was never given the chance to get close to her because there was always someone else in the way. Let me be clear, this wasn't entirely my advisor's fault. A lot of the feelings I had were my own and because of these thoughts I acted accordingly. I'm not sure that if it was just me as I had envisioned, if anything would be any different, but I always wished I had the chance to find out.
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